In the real world, closing dates get pushed back, they get pushed back again, and then quite possibly they may fall through all together leaving you with a house full of packed boxes, minimal furniture because you sold most of it in a moving sale, and a roller coaster of emotions as you attempt to process it all. But I'm not freaking out, nope, not me (insert crazy face emoji of someone on the verge of a meltdown.)
It truly is my hearts desire to become a woman that can say with all honesty that "she is clothed with strength and dignity, and she laughs without fear of the future" Prov 31:25, but the truth is I am not quite there yet. I was conversing with some women the other day and we were discussing my current state of affairs to which I replied that we were simply in a state of waiting to see what the Lord has in store. She then responded something to the effect of "that's great that you can handle this situation so well." I immediately felt the need to clarify, which is undoubtedly proof that the Lord is still working on me. Years ago I would have felt proud and content that although my response was only half true at least I left her with the impression that I was a strong woman of faith.
"Let me clarify, when I say that we are in a time of waiting, please know that this also means that I fluctuate between a four year old tantrum of "life's not fair" to a place of trust and peace and then back to the four year old all over again on a daily basis. Really and truly I do trust the Lord, my flesh just isn't always caught up with that fact." Her response, "that makes me feel better."
If I had chosen not to clarify and allowed her to walk away with a view of me as being the "all together girl that has full confidence in Christ at all times," that would be a lie. Not only would I be portraying to be someone that I wasn't, but I would have also probably left her with a sense of discouragement believing that she was somehow alone in her struggle of fully believing and trusting in God. Instead I was able to Glorify God in that moment, not in my lack of faith, but in the fact that I now feel comfortable sharing that I sometimes lack having the faith I should, but praise God because He is still working on me.
I sat on the floor of my sis in laws home, shoulder to shoulder with a house full of believers, as we sang "Holy Spirit you are welcome here," on a day that to be honest Zach and I were both struggling. This may sound weird, but the Holy Spirit spoke to me in that song through the image of the Barbie house that is piled on top of all our boxes. Although Laela is out of the "Barbie" stage I decided to save the house for my grandkids. As I was singing I began to imagine my grandkids playing with the barbie house, I saw them laughing and a floor full of barbie clothes. In a few short years this "unknown phase" will be just that, a faint memory. In a few short years I will no longer care that I wasn't able to recreate "pinterest perfect" decorations around my home in the year 2016 or that we were sleeping on mattresses on the floor because I sold all of my bedroom furniture.
How Great of a God do we serve that He would give me that little jewel of joy even amongst my doubt? How Great of a God do we serve that His mercies truly are new every morning and that my "tantrums" do not define me? How Great is our God that he is teaching me through the works of the Holy Spirit that I do not have to hide behind religious language or pretend to have it all together, but to simply lean on The One who does when doubt arises?
I do not know your situation, your potential doubts and fears, but I do know someone that does. At times that someone may seem silent and even leave you questioning if He is really there. In those times Satan wants to condemn you, to rename you as a fraud, and to tell you that those whom God really loves never struggle with doubt, so He must not love you. Simply not true.
This is truth, "Humble yourselves, therefore, under God's mighty hand, so that in due time He may exalt you. Cast all your anxiety on Him, because He cares for you" 1 Pet 5:6-7. The humbling part of this scripture is possibly the most powerful and one that will require an entire post in the future, but for today we are casting out all our anxiety. Go into your closet and speak out your fears to the Lord, every single one of them, great and small, no matter how insignificant they may seem. Even in what may feel like silence the Mighty one is listening and "due time" is coming.
P.S. We should find out about our house situation this week so please pray that I will Trust God no matter the outcome, in my mind, body, and soul!
Love you guys!
|PAY NO ATTENTION TO THE MAN (BOXES) BEHIND THE CURTAIN (DOORS)|